Two years ago today I found out that I was finally pregnant. Finally going to be a Mommy, something I had wanted for my whole life. It was a long road for us...fertility struggles. I was OVER the moon with joy, and of course fear, just praying and praying it would stick..and it did...we were blessed with the absolute most amazing baby girl, Makena Elaine, the inspiration for Makena Lane of course :).... Let's start there.
After a year and a half of trying to get pregnant, with no success, I finally went to see a fertility doctor, Dr. Hickok at NW Fertility Clinic. I was 35 yrs old at the time, and time was running out. After 4 failed IUI's, we decided to move onto IVF...time was not on my side is how I felt...every month I was ticking towards dwindling fertility. You should see the slope after 35..all down hill from there...
It's a taxing endeavor, both financially (we spent roughly $25k), physically and emotionally. It feels like you're putting it all in on your last shot...there's not much past IVF that you can try in order to conceive your own child...We were blessed and had a successful cycle, they retrieved 21 eggs, 14 were mature, 10 fertilized, and 8 made it to day 5. These are great numbers especially for the age I was at. The first cycle didn't take, I was overstimulated and my body just didn't take it, maybe it was an abnormal embryo, but I feel my body was too swollen from the retrieval, 21 eggs is crazy..a normal woman's cycle you have one mature egg...the marvel of modern medication/hormones I guess...devastated is an understatement.
Down to six I kept thinking...why didn't it take? Are all of the embryos abnormal? OH NO, what if I never get pregnant...what did I do wrong...karma? "It's never going to take" is all that I could think, it was awful. I'm sure the hormones did not help one bit with this override of emotions. All I kept thinking was "I want my Mommy", no one could console me, it was just awful. Of course, my Mommy, at the time though still here physically had mentally been swallowed up by early onset Alzheimer's four years prior. I felt isolated and very alone, no matter how supportive my husband or friends were to me at that point, all I wanted was my Mom..there is no one in the world I could have a breakdown emotionally in front of like my own Mom...
But....two months later, after some therapy, exercise, acupuncture, and time...I was ready to dip my toes back in the pool and try for a FET cycle (frozen egg transfer)...again the marvel of modern medicine...to be honest I kept my hopes pretty low, but I was accepting of the fact that it may take a try or two more, and I was at peace finally. Then on November 11th 2012, I got the call from our fertility office "Your blood test shows positive, you're pregnant". Driving on I5 home from Seattle, the tears started flowing, the joy, and of course the fear, and the "please, God, please let this stick and be a healthy baby." And so it was...
In my world there is no more true unconditional love one can have than for their child. As children, hopefully, all of us have felt that kind of security, I know I did, my Mom understood me at the core more than anyone in the world. I truly knew deep down that I would have a like connection with my own child(ren) if/when I was blessed to become a parent. And BLESSED I am, I was blessed with Makena, my goodness if you can put love on paper I would, it's impossible to express these kind of feelings in words, as Winnie the Pooh says to Piglet, "you don't spell love, you feel it."
My Mom finally was freed of her battle with Alzheimer's and passed on to be with my Grandparents and finally run free again on May 18, 2013, while I was seven months pregnant with Makena. Really, there is no stronger example of the circle of life, that I can think of, than feeling your own child kicking inside of you and at the same time watching your Mom take her last breadth. It's heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time.
My Mom always had a dream of owning her own children's boutique. She was an amazing seamstress herself, even making her own patterns. So in honor of My Mom and our joint love of fashion, design, and the creativity it brews inside of us, I give you Makena Lane! My goal is to offer amazingly stylish/sweet fashion, outfits, and accessories, while at the same time offer some insight and a place of connection for all Moms about motherhood through this blog. I'm going to be as real, and transparent as I can be, much like this blog post...I hope you join me on this journey friends and soon to be friends!
Thank you for caring enough to read! :)